My Ruffled Life |Diary #1

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I can’t even remember when I started my blog. Was it four years ago? I started my blog because I wanted to eventually have a business. Problem being, I had no clue what I wanted to do. It intrigued me that there were moms who stayed at home with their kids and sold stuff for a job. Like made stuff with a sewing machine and sold them. I decided that was the way to go. Yes I would sew stuff and blog about it. And while I was doing that, I decided to write a bunch of encouraging posts. I thought then I wanted to help people. You see, I was going through some anxiety/depression then and I didn’t want other’s to feel alone.

I tried really hard to grow my blog. I  kept up with what others were writing about. I did some recipes because that seemed to work for others. I tried pouring my heart out on my blog because I wanted to help someone. I grew frustrated when I felt like I wasn’t making progress. I worried what people thought of my encouraging posts. Did I say it wrong? Did I sound preachy? I would run into people and they would say I read you blog!? I eyed them cautiously waiting for them to judge me. I began looking around at everyone I ran into, hoping they didn’t hate me. Paranoid much??

About a year ago, I really did decide I wanted my blog to be solely about sewing. I wanted to help others learn to sew and I wanted to share my sewing creations. Going the business route, I knew I needed to crack down and only write about sewing. The part of me who wonders what other’s thought about me was relieved, but the part that yearned to write encouragement didn’t want to leave. I battled with it for awhile, writing a few forced encouragement posts. I felt torn between sewing and encouraging. There was a moment back in November when I finally decided I was going to just make two separate blogs. I decided to focus on my sewing blog and have more of a personal blog.

Then the little lies we all get in our heads from time to time started. No one wants to read your encouragement posts. You don’t write that good. You don’t have time for that. How are you going to please both audiences. But most of all, you will fail at both.

I listened to the lies and stayed in my anxiety filled prison. I contemplated throwing my hands up and quitting all together. It sounded nice to delete all social media and just be a mom and wife. But every-time I got close, God told me not to in one way or another. I couldn’t figure out why He wouldn’t help me make a decision then. To direct me in what I write, to help me not feel so overwhelmed. I got so frustrated with the situation. I knew I couldn’t quit for whatever reason so I finally made a decision and went with it.

I decided to create a separate blog. I want to grow my sewing business, but I also want to keep track of my mini’s milestones. I want to write on topics like motherhood, life, and faith, but I really feel like I can’t continue doing that on my business blog. I decided then of course had second thoughts…..AGAIN. I was so worried about the time thing. I don’t want to add one more thing to my already bursting schedule.

The thing is though, I write for myself. After I thought looooong and hard about it, I NEED to write for myself. It is a way to pour out my heart and clear my cluttered anxiety filled brain. To pour everything out and empty myself so God can fill me.

This blog, it is going to be for me. It is going to be filled with my family, faith inspired posts, motherhood, book reviews, etc. The whole purpose is to help myself. I think the problem I had before was my intention for writing was to encourage everyone else. I felt even more stressed because I worried I wasn’t doing it right, that no one cared. That is not the purpose if this blog. It’s me time. If you care to join me and you find my posts encouraging, I am so glad and that is a great side effect! I hope you do find comfort in my words and I want you to hang out here with me.

I am writing this blog to not add to my overwhelmed schedule, but to take away from it. To free myself from the anxiety the clutters my brain. To take time to spill my heart and not worry about growing it. To not worry about the length or the post, or the relevancy, etc.

I do want this to be a place of encouragement, so follow along and enjoy the freedom of a diary styled blog, or not either way I will be over hear writing as I am inspired. 🙂

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