Kina dear, You make me a better person. Being a mother has shown a spotlight on my inadequacies. It has shown me, I can’t get through a day without asking God for wisdom. Those first few months, I thought I could. I took it upon myself and google to figure everything out. This only lead to confusion and anxiety. You have taught me, wisdom comes from God. I continually ask him for it and go with my gut. I often worry I am doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, but I have learned to trust God after I ask for wisdom.
Right now we are in the trenches of refusing to nap. Many times I will just make you sit in your room with books for quiet time after you have “attempted” to go to sleep. But there are other times when I really feel like you need a nap. So we snuggle and I sing to you. It goes against what I have heard for sleep training, and it goes against my own “common sense” but I feel a gentle nudge to just be still and snuggle. I worry what will happen when baby number two gets here, surly I can’t snuggle as much as I do now. I obsess this habit will be horrible to break. But it’s there the gentle nudge and I listen. I snuggle and I sing and maybe it is just a stage. I trust God will guide us through it and will give me wisdom for the next stage. This is something you have taught me. You Kina dear, have forced me to be reliant on God, and not on my own strength. It is such a freeing feeling. To fully know and feel that God’s ways are far above ours, that our logic can’t even begin to scratch his. That trusting without seeing is far better than anxiety ridden human logic.
You have taught me to slow down and be still. It’s hard, so hard for me to feel “unproductive.” Yet it’s a battle I am going through right now. You are teaching me and continually showing me, that being a mom and doing the things that seem little, are actually quite productive indeed. Knowing your little eyes are watching my attitudes and actions puts a great deal of pressure on me to be a godly example to you. To be faithful in the small things.
I want you to grow up to love and serve God, I realize how important it is for me to be a patient mother. Colossians 3 is a chapter I read frequently. It’s a standard I have set for myself that I need God’s help daily to achieve. I fall short so often, but the constant battle toward it shapes me daily even when I fail at it.
You are teaching me that I don’t have to be perfect. That life is a learning experience, it’s a journey not a destination. It’s a daily request for mercy, for forgiveness. A daily plea for wisdom and for patience. It’s a daily fight for the good fight, a daily fight against the enemy. My dear Kina, you are constantly making me a better person because I am your mom. You are the most precious gift your dad and I have been given here on this earth and we want to take you to heaven with us. You and your soon to be baby sister are the only things we can take to heaven. It’s something I remind myself when the days are long. When my patience is short. When I wonder how I can be a mom of two.
You soften my heart. You make me want to be a better person, a better mom, a better wife. You have made me realize the small things here on earth, the small moments, the snuggles, the everyday same old same old’s are actually the real beauties in life. That fulfillment from our Lord is the only thing that will keep us full, and you my dear have helped me see that.
My dear Kina,
I will love you forever and will like you for always. As long as I am living my baby you’ll be.