I am feeling so incredibly thankful and blessed. I have a happy, healthy, content baby girl. After having Kina, I was quite traumatized. It took me close two years to even consider wanting to have another baby. I struggled with post-partum depression and she had colic and refused to nurse. To say I was a mess would be a little of an understatement. When I became pregnant again, all the anxiety of newborn life started rushing back. For most of the pregnancy I just tried to block it from my mind, thinking it couldn’t happen twice right? The last few weeks of pregnancy however, anxiety took a serious hold on me again. What if labor is horrible, what if she screams all the time, what if….I had prayed for a good labor and good baby, but it didn’t seem to take my anxiety away. I finally realized one day when I was spending quite time with God, I was praying for the wrong things. I wanted my anxiety gone, but by praying for what I wanted wasn’t making it go away. I finally realized I can’t tell God what I need. I changed my prayer from please give me a happy baby because that is what I can handle, to please change my heart to be content, peaceful, and joyful, not matter what the circumstances. Give me a strength only from you to handle anything that may come my way. I instantly felt peace and the anxiety slip away. I knew without a doubt if God gave me strength I could do anything. Worries about having problems in labor (baby or me), screaming days and nights, etc. all faded away. I opened my hand and told God whatever my lot please just give me strength and contentment.
I know it is easy to say that in the face of a great labor and baby, but I still have my anxieties. I still feel like I don’t deserve this sweet content babe and wonder when she will become discontent, and obviously us mom’s still worry about all the things that could go wrong, like SIDS… But when I start to feel those anxieties coming on I just tell myself one moment at a time. God will give me the strength to face anything that may come up tomorrow. Focus on today and trust God for each moment.
I loved being able to look back on Kina’s birth story and have it documented, so I wanted to share Renly’s as well. This little blog helps me to remember all the moments I want to remember about my kiddos. Plus I like reading or hearing about other’s stories so if your interested, here’s how labor went.
I had a really good pregnancy, nothing really to complain about, but I was ready to be done. I was dilated to a one on my 39 week appointment and my doctor offered to strip my membranes if I wanted him to. I took him up on the offer. I was mentally ready and just wanted it to be go time. Obviously having a membrane sweep is only a 50% chance of inducing labor so there were no guarantees. Before we went to bed that night the braxton hicks were more frequent and slightly crampy at times. I told Loren this feels a lot like when I started labor with Kina. At midnight that night I woke up with some contractions. Nothing major, but they were for sure contractions. I laid in bed from 1-2 then dozed off around 2. I would wake up during some of the contractions then go back to sleep again. With Kina I didn’t rest at all and was so majorly exhausted I didn’t want that this time around. I woke up to go to the bathroom around 3 and noticed they were pretty intense. I called Joyce to give her a heads up she would probably need to come over to watch Kina because it looked like the hospital was in the near future. I figured I would still be home an hour or two. I tried to eat something because that was the second mistake with Kina’s labor, I didn’t eat anything in over 30 hours by the time it was all said and done. This time I vowed to eat while I was home. I tried but was so nauseous I couldn’t hardly do it. At 3:20 I told Loren we have to go these are intense. I was worried we were going to get there and I was going to be at like a 3 or something so I was hesitant but my gut told me to go. We left close to 4 and at that time I was starting to freak out that we weren’t going to make it in time. I am pretty sure that was just an instinct because I was still worried we would get there and I was only going to be dilated to a 3 or something. We made it to the hospital and got checked in around 4:31. They asked me how far apart my contractions were and I honestly hadn’t even timed them. I guessed 3-5 min. Loren timed a few and he told me they are like 1-2 minutes apart. My goal was to do another natural birth, don’t ask me why since I was pretty traumatized from Kina’s but that was my desire. I told Loren if I am a 3 I can’t do this I want an epidural. I was thinking these contractions for 13 hours like Kina’s? No way, can’t do it that long. They checked me and I was dilated to an 8! I opted to not get one since I was that far along. I don’t even know if they let you at that stage. They called my doctor and he headed in. The whole time they were asking me questions. I wasn’t out of it like I was with Kina, but I was at the point where I didn’t care about anything anymore. Afterword Loren told me it was kind of funny because after they asked me a question I couldn’t give a definite answer for (pain rating vs. my name) I would answer then say I don’t know, I just want her out. They kept reassuring me it would be soon ;). My water broke around 5 and my doctor arrived shortly after. They had me start pushing. With each contraction however, her heart rate dropped in half and they were starting to get pretty concerned. She needed to come or Dr. Ma was going to try and use some forceps. Forceps, no epidural, babies heart rate dropping, all motivated me like no other to get her out. After 9 min of pushing she came into this world screaming mad. They laid her on my chest, and I instantly loved her. She was beautiful and my heart was so filled with love. The cord was wrapped around her shoulder and that’s why her heart rate kept dropping. I am so thankful everything went smooth and fine.
I thanked God over and over for a smooth fast labor. I wasn’t expecting it, and knew I could do it with his strength, so when it happened I was so filled with gratitude. She nurses well and is so content. Again I was not expecting these blessings either, to God be the glory. I know it is not guaranteed to last, but I do know God will give me strength if it doesn’t.
I was worried about how I would have room in my heart to love another little girl as much as my first, but there was no reason for that worry. My heart just grew and is so full I can’t hardly handle it. I am so thankful for out little family. Kina really seems to love Renly, but has a few behavior things going on, so I can tell she’s struggling a little with it. I know it will take some time to adjust for her and that is ok!