“Before I Formed Thee…”

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Having kids is such an incredible blessing. Kids bring so much joy and happiness to our lives. I find myself wondering sometimes how in the world did I do life without my beautiful girls? Before we had Renly my parents in Indiana took Kina for a week. One of the first mornings by ourselves I looked at Loren and said “it’s really quiet. I am thankful that we have time to ourselves and I love being with you, but man thinking about being empty nesters seems kind of sad.” Yes I realize that is a long way away, but from what I hear before you know it your kids are gone.

You get the point, I love my kids very much. But at times I can’t help but wonder, is my desire for kids selfish? I have had this thought off and on for many reasons. One being the world seems to be against Christian values and it scares me what our kids will have to face. Two, there are so many sweet kids out there that need to be adopted by loving parents. Why should I be having kids when there are so many kids in need of a family out there?

Last night these thoughts were flooding my mind. Newborn stage is difficult for me. I am enjoying it much more this time, but it still feels hard. In this stage I feel like I have no purpose when all I do is put out toddler fires and nurse an infant. While I know this isn’t the truth my feelings tell me it is. With the thoughts of am I selfish for having my own kids flooding my mind and the feelings of having no purpose currently, I began to drum up some questions for God in my head.

-If there are so many babies in the world in need of a loving family, why should I have my own?

-I want my own kids because I want them. Am I being selfish in this crazy world to bring sweet innocent children into it?

-If the above two worries are true, what is the point or purpose in my motherhood?

I asked my very smart husband in hopes he would calm my thoughts. He said your point in motherhood is to plant seeds in your kids hearts and point them to Jesus.

ME: “Yes but, what if the above questions are true?”

Husband: “I don’t know, I can’t give you a perfect answer.” (Probably thinking crazy hormonal lady just go to sleep. He was kind enough not to say it).

I let it go, but not in my head. As I sat there asking God to give me a comfort or an answer in the midst of my thoughts, he brought this verse to my mind:

“Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

God planned each one of us. He knew us before we were even conceived. There are no mistakes. Each one of us has a specific purpose God wants us to fulfill. By saying “I wanted to have my own kids” in a way is telling God I am in control, not you. He didn’t have to grant me the privilege to have my own kids. He could have shut my womb, but he didn’t. He knew both of my girls before I even began to think about wanting kids. He is in control and he blessed us with our two kids to raise and point them to him so they can fulfill his purpose for them. In this there is a great purpose in motherhood. When I take away the question of why should I have my own kids when there are so many in need of a home, I begin to see that each one of us is known and planned far before we are conceived. God’s plan is far above ours. It is my job as a mother to direct my kids and guide my kids to find their specific purpose in Him. When I look at is this way, wow what a huge gift and what an amazing purpose motherhood is. Taming the tantrums and nursing all.day.long begin to take on a new light. I view them as part of the process of raising kids to love the savior who died for us, who planned us, who gave us many talents to use.

As for wondering about why there are so many kids in need, maybe my kiddos will grow up and adopt one of them one day. Maybe you are called to adopt. I don’t know, all I know is all the hurt in the world is because God gives us free will. It’s part of this fallen sinful world. He gives us the free will to step away from our kids and choose drugs. He gives us free will to abort the precious babies. He also gives us free will to raise them up to know him. It is our choice, he doesn’t force anything on us. Each baby is created with a plan and purpose. It’s sin that takes it and skews God’s perfect plan. It’s my job to do the best I can with the blessings he has given me. To not look around and worry what my kids will face in this world but to look at them and show them God’s love. To teach them they are fearfully and wonderfully made and they have a high calling. That wherever they go, whatever they do, if they rely  on God’s strength and not their own they can do anything. (Philippians 4:13).

It’s not my job to worry about these things and to wonder why things are the way they are. God blessed Loren and I with these two kids, I was not the one who took charge and created them. His thoughts are far above my thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8) It is simply my job to raise them up to know Him and thank Him each and everyday for the blessings they bestow on me.



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